Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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