$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
