This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
