I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
