apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
