Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
