i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
