sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize