Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
