We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
