watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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