i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
