Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize