It's like God shit irony all over that family
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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