Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
