I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
