Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
