Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
