We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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