I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
