Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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