I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
