i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
home. puking in laundry basket.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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