Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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