Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
