I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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