I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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