i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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