Please, let me fuck your mom
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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