I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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