Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
