Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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