found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
