Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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