We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
