i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
