Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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