She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Randomize
