I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
