wat bout pragnant strippers??
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
