Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
