Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't turn off my feet"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
