Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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