Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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