Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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