How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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