I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
