He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
