How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
