I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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