Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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