fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
