I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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