Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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