Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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