Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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